Primary Emotions Make Us Feel Unsafe

In my last blog I ask you to begin to identify your primary emotions.  I included a list of those emotions:  sad, mad, fear, happy, shame and surprise.  Like the title of my blog says, primary or core emotions make us feel vulnerable. When sharing these type emotions we will seek out safe trustworthy relationships.  These safe relationships allow us to access our most vulnerable emotions.

So what happens when I experience a core emotion (see the list above) and do not feel safe?  We feel secondary emotions.  Think of them this way.  You are transporting a fragile piece of glass artwork.  To ensure it’s not broken you wrap in a small thick blanket before you put it in your car.  The blanket is what you use to deal with the fragile nature of the glass artwork.  In the same way secondary emotions protect us from the “felt sense” of our vulnerable primary emotions.

Here’s an example of how secondary emotions work. Let’s say a person experiences rejection from a close friend.  Instantly the person will experience a primary emotion like fear coupled with hurt. To express the fear and hurt would require the individual to be vulnerable with his or her offender. Because it does not feel safe to experience vulnerability a person can react with anger, a secondary emotions that provides protection from vulnerability.  Another example is the use of humor to divert attention from vulnerability.  Say a person is embarrassed by a friend insensitive remark.  There will be a lightning fast experience of vulnerable shame. To protect himself from vulnerable shame he laughs it off and jokes about it.  Laughter, like anger (secondary emotions), is used to deal with the more vulnerable primary emotions.

Change is impossible if we stay with our secondary emotions.  They are a response to our vulnerable primary emotions.  In a way the secondary emotions block us from experiencing our primary emotions.  Over time this results in disconnecting from our primary emotions and a growing connection with our secondary emotions.  So when we feel a primary emotion we automatically wrap it up in the protection of a secondary emotion.

You can begin to try and identify your secondary emotions by 1) taking a few moments after a strong emotional experience, 2) allow yourself to reflect on what triggered your emotions, 3) try to identify what you needed in that moment (acceptance, comfort, or protection), 4) write down what you needed and the feeling that accompanied the need (this is your primary emotion) and 5) write down what emotion you expressed to deal with your vulnerable primary emotion (this would be your secondary emotion). Make this exercise a part of your self-care routine.  After a while you will be able to express your primary feelings and the result will be closer personal relationships.